1. Perpetual Spring Break
What if we told there’s a state where every single day can be Spring Break? It’s always warm, the sun is always shining, and if you’re unemployed and constantly drunk you can recreate the magic of your past Spring Breaks every day of the year.
2. Racial Harmony
Racism is everywhere in the United States, but of all the states Florida is the least likely to judge you for having skin color resembling an overcooked hot dog.
3. Easy to Meet Friendly People
Lots of Florida residents want to be your friend. And your mom’s friend. And your sister’s friend…
4. You’ll Never Swim Alone in Florida
Swimming alone in the ocean is scary, but in Florida you can take comfort in knowing you’re never alone when you swim in the ocean! The ocean is teeming with wildlife.
5. Tim Tebow Is Still Unmarried
He’s no longer an NFL quarterback so maybe his self-esteem has dipped a little? Maybe he’s ready to compromise those ideals and settle for someone who’s a five at best? We’re not even talking a Florida five, but something even like a Midwest five!
6. Future Waterfront Property
Thanks to global warming that Orlando home for sale that’s currently miles from the beach could soon be prime waterfront property. Great investments can be found inland.
7. Lakefront Homes!
8. Three NFL Teams
Florida is home to the Miami Dolphins, Jacksonville Jaguars, and Tampa Bay Buccaneers. With so much variety to choose from there’s always one team with a winning record, except for in 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2009…
9. Free Burmese Pythons
Those suckers in New York have to pay $150-$300 for a Burmese python, plus shipping and handling. If you live in Florida, you can get your own pet python for free in the Everglades!
10. Alligators Are Not (Very) Dangerous
You’re way more likely to die from a jellyfish sting, and the sea is full of poisonous jellyfish!
11. New Singles In Your Area
Everyday in Florida thousands of people suddenly become eligible singles! Florida takes speed dating to a whole new level because there isn’t much time left.
12. Tired of Life in the Fast Lane?
All lanes are slow lanes in Florida thanks to local drivers. So relax, you’re not going anywhere quickly.
13. No Need to Stress About Elections
You could read up on the candidates and studiously read over your voters pamphlet, or you could skip it entirely because your vote often doesn’t count in Florida. They’ll probably even make you wait in line for hours to vote anyway.
14. No Judgment
In your current town, perhaps you’re known as the area eccentric who walks around with a parrot on his/her shoulder. In Florida, you will be one of thousands of people wandering the streets with a parrot on your shoulder. Finally, no more stares and snickering… unless you were doing it for the attention all along…
15. Musical Delight
Florida is the only state where you have good odds of catching both a Flo Rida concert and a Pitbull concert on the same day!
16. Less Government Intrusion
If America really is a land of personal freedom then how come so many states have regulations banning “dwarf tossing?” Florida lawmaker Ritch Workman (and aspiring Pitbull celebrity impersonator) is cutting the red tape to make it legal again for diminutively-sized people to be tossed around a bar by drunken fools for cash.
If you were frugal and put money away for retirement you can sell your assets and move south to one of Florida’s many retirement communities. There’s one for any budget.
18. Making a Better America
Florida is the only state who’s arrested the most dangerous Canadian menace to ever set foot on American soil—Justin Bieber. That’s great, but maybe Florida’s space program can launch him into space and place him on asteroid journeying to the far reaches of our solar system.
19. No More Scurvy!
Florida produces 66.7% of the oranges grown in the United States so while people in Alaska are getting scurvy (possibly?) you’ll be making screwdrivers for breakfast to fend of this terrible disease caused by vitamin C deficiency.
20. Permission to Wear Funny Pants Granted
With well over 1,000 golf courses Florida has more than any other U.S. state. Not only are you free to wear hideous golf pants any day you want, you can also wear your pajama pants to the grocery store. That’s freedom!
21. United We Fight Old Battles
Florida is located in the south, but it’s now home to so many northern transplants it’s really a blend of the two. Thus, it’s the ideal place for a Civil War reenactment.
22. Everybody Has a Boat
No other state offers so many opportunities to explore by boat, and sometimes even your own neighborhood.
23. Free Yard Cleaning
Don’t feel like raking leaves or cleaning up that cut brush in the yard? No problem. perhaps one of the tornadoes will remove it for you and place it somewhere else for you.
ARE YOU READY TO MOVE TO FLORIDA?
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