Here’s Why Ohio Is Superior to Every Other U.S. State

Ryan Nickum

Nov 12

State Profiles

There are 50 states in this great land, but only one can be the best. So why is Ohio a better place to live and buy a home than any other state? Here are a list of reasons why Ohio is superior to the other 49 states in the country…

MORE LITERATE THAN ALABAMA

Roughly 15% of Alabama residents lack basic prose literacy skills, far more than Ohio’s 9%.

BEARS KILL MORE PEOPLE IN ALASKA

Three people in Ohio have been killed by bears, but none of them were killed while recreating amidst the splendor of nature. A total of 17 people have been killed by bears in Alaska, which is absolutely terrifying.

FEWER VENOMOUS SPIDERS & MORE WATER THAN ARIZONA

Arizona is famed for its sunshine, but did you know the state has more than twice as many species of venomous spiders as Ohio? Those spiders will still be alive even after Phoenix runs out of water, which some experts estimate could happen in six years. Ohio should prepare itself for a migratory horde of Arizonans in bolo ties that will one day move back to the Midwest.

OHIO PRODUCES MORE WINE THAN ARKANSAS

Ohio—the Napa Valley of the Midwest (trademark pending)—produces 14 times more wine than Arkansas, a state that’s content with the funny feeling it gets from drinking bacteria-rich pond water.

OHIO’S GOT BETTER JESSES THAN CALIFORNIA

Ohio was the home of four-time Olympic gold medalist and track legend Jesse Owens. California is the fictional home of the mulleted Uncle Jesse from Full House (no disrespect intended to actor John Stamos). Which one humiliated Hitler at the 1936 Olympics in Berlin? Which one humiliated thousands of Americans when they tried to emulate his hairstyle? It’s not contest.

FEWER SUPER HIGH TOURISTS THAN COLORADO

Regardless of your views on marijuana everyone can agree that since Colorado legalized it there are far too many idiot tourists riding around stoned on rented Segways. Absolutely nobody should live in Denver.

NOBODY WANTS TO LIVE IN CONNECTICUT

People do not like living in Connecticut. When asked, 40% of Connecticut residents they would like to move to a different state, the second highest percentage in the country. Ohio was 21st, with 35% of residents wishing they could live elsewhere.

IT’S JUST BETTER THAN DELAWARE

Delaware is basically the underwear wedgie between the butt cheeks that are Maryland and New Jersey. Say what you will about Ohio’s neighbors, but there are worse places to be than the meat in an Indiana-Pennsylvania sandwich.

NO SHARKS TO BITE YOU LIKE IN FLORIDA

Ohio has 312 miles of shoreline and zero shark attacks. Florida had 110 shark attacks alone between 2006 and 2010. Also, Florida has alligators, which bite, and it’s illegal to try and ride on the backs of manatees and pretend you’re in some kind of underwater rodeo. What’s the point of even living in Florida?

OHIO HAS MORE JOBS THAN GEORGIA

Ohio’s unemployment rate is 5.6%, which is 20th in the country. Georgia’s unemployment rate is 7.9%, which is the worst in America. At a minimum, the line is shorter at Ohio’s unemployment offices.

FEWER ONLINE CREEPS THAN HAWAII

Hawaii performs more Google searches the leaked photographs of Jennifer Lawrence nude than any other state. Ohio isn’t even in the top fifteen. Perhaps this will inspire her to vacation in Cleveland.

IDAHO IS HELL ON EARTH

The most scenic part of Idaho is named Hell’s Canyon. Do you really want to spend time in a state that’s most beautiful place is named after the fiery home of the Prince of Darkness?

MORE INNOVATIVE POLICE PURSUIT THAN ILLINOIS

Akron, Ohio was the first city to use police cars. Police in Chicago, Illinois have a fleet of Segways. Seriously, Segways.

NOBODY WANTS TO SET FOOT IN INDIANA

Indiana has the most Interstate Highway per square mile of any U.S. state. Do you know what that means? People want to spend as little time as possible in Indiana. Even before European settlement the entire state was so densely covered in trees that squirrels could travel from Illinois to Ohio without ever having to set foot in Indiana.

BETTER AT CORNHOLE THAN IOWA

With over 92,000 corn farms Iowa is the leading producer of corn in the United States. However, when it comes to the game of cornhole Iowa can’t compete with Ohio. The Hawkeye State doesn’t have a single competitor in the top 100 ranked cornhole players. Ohio has 22, including seven of the top ten.

BETTER HALL OF FAMES THAN KANSAS

Ohio is home to the Pro Football Hall of Fame and the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, two of the most popular tourist destinations in America. Kansas is home to the Agricultural Hall of Fame, a must see only for families whose cars break down near the I-70 and Kansas Route 7 interchange in Bonner Springs, Kansas.

LOCAL SENATORS DON’T RESEMBLE TURTLES

Neither of Ohio’s Senators look like a turtle, something that can’t be said about Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell.

LESS ENDANGERED BY RISING SEA LEVELS THAN LOUISIANA

Rising sea levels mean much of Louisiana will eventually be underwater, while Ohio’s shoreline will remain largely unchanged. Although, if Lake Erie every suddenly dries up it will reveal a land bridge to Canada and who knows what horrors that could unleash?

PRODUCES MORE NFL PLAYERS THAN MAINE

In 2013, there were 74 NFL players originally from Ohio and just one from Maine. Just one—Will Montgomery, offensive lineman for the Denver Broncos.

LESS SYPHILITIC THAN MARYLAN

When Baltimore off with the Cleveland Browns, but it wound up catching syphilis in the process. The state of Maryland has the fourth highest percentage of syphilis cases in the country—twice as high as Ohio’s.

BETTER SETTING FOR BASEBALL MOVIES THAN MASSACHUSETTS

Baseball movies set in Ohio are far superior to those in Massachusetts. For instance, Major League features Charlie Sheen at his best as Cleveland Indians pitcher. Fever Pitch stars Jimmy Fallon at his worst as a die-hard Red Sox fan in love with Drew Barrymore. Their careers have gone in different directions since these films.

OHIO LIKES ED HARDY LESS THAN MICHIGAN DOES

According to Facebook user data there are 25% more people in Michigan interested in the Ed Hardy clothing line than there are in Ohio.

NOT AS STD-RIDDEN AS MISSISSIPPI

Ohio doesn’t have a stellar record when it comes to sexually transmitted diseases, but it’s a hell of a lot better off than VD-ridden Mississippi. The Hospitality State plays host to a variety of genital menaces, including the highest rate of chlamydia and gonorrhea infections. Ohio is ranked 20th for chlamydia and eighth for gonorrhea.

LESS METH THAN MISSOURI!

Statistics on meth labs break badly for the Show Me State, with Missouri having nearly three times more meth lab incidents than Ohio does.

MORE PIZZA DELIVERY THAN MONTANA

Having a pizza delivered to your door is part of what makes America great, so the fact that Ohio has more nine times more pizza delivery options per capita than Montana makes it the superior state.

BETTER SKIING THAN NEBRASKA

When it comes to skiing and snowboarding, nobody is going to confuse Ohio with Colorado, but the Buckeye State is home to five ski resorts, which is five more than Nebraska has.

NOT DEHYDRATED LIKE NEVADA

The primary problem with building cities in deserts is there’s little water in deserts. There’s lots of sunshine, and that’s lovely, but people still demand water to drink and to sprinkle on their golf courses so they stay green. Nevada is experiencing extreme drought and global climate change isn’t promising any reprieve. Meanwhile, Ohio is just chilling by a giant freshwater lake, relaxing by the pool, taking extra long showers.

LIVE LONGER THAN PEOPLE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

There are no seat belt laws in New Hampshire, nor are there requirements for motorcyclists to wear a helmet. Residents are legally allowed to be as reckless and stupid as they want to be. Perhaps that’s one reason why people in Ohio live longer—81 years instead of 80 years.

LESS POLLUTED THAN NEW JERSEY

New Jersey has four times more Superfund Sites as Ohio because New Jersey is #1 for toxic waste.

YOUNG ADULTS MORE LEARNED THAN NEW MEXICO

College diplomas are more abundant among young adults in the Buckeye State than they are in New Mexico. 36.4 percent of Ohio residents aged 25-34 have a college degree, while it’s just 28.5 percent for New Mexico residents.

SHORTER COMMUTE THAN NEW YORK STATE

On average, Ohio residents spend 23 minutes a day traveling to work, a full 8 minutes less than those in New York. Over the course of the year, this saves Ohio residents a full 67 hours, which is basically like getting another two weeks of vacation per year.

MORE STAMINA THAN NORTH CAROLINA

North Carolina holds the Guinness World Record for the longest marathon playing lacrosse (13 hours 14 minutes). That’s only a quarter as long as Ohio’s record for the longest kickball game (51 hours ).

NORTH DAKOTA IS DEVOID OF WOMEN

If you like ladies you’ll find a lot more of them in Ohio (51.1% of the population) than you will in barren North Dakota (48.9%).

NOT DRIVING AROUND DRUNK LIKE OKLAHOMANS

Oklahoma has three times more DUI arrests per capita than Ohio does because Oklahoma is kind of a drunk mess.

BETTER BEER THAN OREGON

Ohio is part of the craft beer revival, and while it hasn’t gained the reputation that Oregon’s brewers have it also hasn’t made the same tragic brewing mistakes as their contemporaries out west. Oregon’s Rogue Brewing makes some truly incredible beers, but it also makes beers using the yeast found in a man’s beard, and also a Chocolate, Banana & Peanut Butter Ale. That goes against all that’s right and pure in the world.

NO TOWNS PERPETUALLY ON FIRE LIKE IN PENNSYLVANIA

People outside Ohio make a big thing about how the Cuyahoga River caught fire a bunch of times, but it hasn’t burst into flames since 1969. That’s a lot better than Pennsylvania, which has had a giant underground coal mine fire spewing toxic fumes from cracks in the earth perpetually since 1962.

MEN ARE MORE MATURE THAN IN RHODE ISLAND

Estately performed a study of men aged 25-65 to determine where the most immature men live. Men in each state were ranked based on their lack of employment and also their enthusiasm for video games, fantasy football, beer pong, Family Guy, and porn. Rhode Island had the highest percentage of immature men, while Ohio had the fifth most (article here).

FEWER MURDERS THAN SOUTH CAROLINA

Violent crime is down considerably in the U.S., but there are still nearly twice as many murders per capita in South Carolina than in Ohio.

MORE PRESIDENTS THAN SOUTH DAKOTA 

There are seven presidents from Ohio. South Dakota has produced zero, but they carved four presidents into a giant hunk of rock and everybody likes to make a big deal about it. You know who’s a big deal? President James A. Garfield is a big deal!

LESS VOTER APATHY THAN TENNESSEE

When it comes to lazy, apathetic voters Tennessee really takes the prize. The state managed to get just 29.1% of its registered voters to the polls in 2014. About 36.2 of Ohioans filled out their ballots.

TEXAS HAS WAY MORE DOUCHEBAGS THAN OHIO

They say everything is bigger in Texas and that’s particularly true when it comes to the number of douchebags. Out of the Top Ten U.S. Cities for Douchebags, only one was in Ohio (Toldeo-9th), while Texas was home to four of the top five (Laredo—1st, El Paso—2nd, San Antonio—3rd, Corpus Christi—5th). These stats aren’t just made up. There’s science behind it (article here)

OHIO’S LAKE ERIE MAKES UTAH’S GREAT SALT LAKE SEEM LIKE THE ARAL SEA

Utah’s Great Salt Lake is filled with salt water, which is great if you like to fish for nothing but microscopic brine shrimp. Ohio rests beside Lake Erie, a giant freshwater lake that you can swim in and fish and generally recreate to the fullest.

FAR FEWER HIPPIES THAN VERMONT

The smell of patchouli and body odor is ripe in Vermont, which earned it the distinction of The #1 U.S. State for Hippies. Even with Yellow Springs, Ohio could only muster 26th on the list. The high number of local online stores selling hemp, patchouli, and tie-dye products wasn’t enough to break out of the bottom half.

OHIO HAS MORE HUEVOS THAN VIRGINIA

The United States produces 95.2 billion eggs each year, no thanks Virginia which produces just 0.73% of American eggs. Ohio, on the other hand, produces more than any state but Iowa, a total of 8.39% of all American eggs.

MORE PREPARED FOR A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE THAN WASHINGTON

In the event of a zombie apocalypse the state of Ohio is likely to fend off the undead, while residents of Washington state will have their brains eaten. In a study of zombie apocalypse preparedness Ohio was found to be more likely to survive thanks to its residents’ strong knowledge of zombie movies, paintball ability, and martial arts enthusiasm.

WEST VIRGINIA HAS WORSE BREATH

25% of Ohio residents smoke cigarettes, which is more than most states, but it’s less than the 29.9% of West Virginian who are still trying to look cool by lighting it.

BETTER BIGFOOT HABITAT THAN WISCONSIN

If Bigfoot were real it would find prime habitat in Ohio, but not so much in Wisconsin. An Estately study found Ohio to be the fourth best state for Bigfoot to live thanks to a high level of Bigfoot interest amongst local residents.

MORE STABLE MARRIAGES THAN WYOMING

Ohio has the 25th highest divorce rate in America, but couples don’t split up as much as those in Wyoming—3rd highest. Perhaps it’s the shared enthusiasm for Bigfoot or that couples paintball team they play on.

Now that you’ve been convinced Ohio is the best state in America, check out homes for sale across the Buckeye State on Estately—the best real estate search site in Ohio (and America).

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