When looking for a home, buyers must navigate the often misleading realm of real estate broker babble. These wordy descriptions are littered with sugarcoated jargon, descriptive terms designed to put a positive spin on a home’s imperfections. To help make sense of it, Estately created the definitive guide to translating broker babble in real estate listing descriptions.
1. “Bring Your Contractor”
- Bring your bulldozer.
2. “Gracious Living”
- This house is so utterly boring we can’t call it anything more than pleasant.
- “Delightful” is just the brand of air freshener used to cover up the smell of the dead raccoon trapped in the crawl space.
4. “Huge Price Reduction”
- The seller was the only person in town who didn’t know the home was built on an old pet cemetery.
5. “There’s Been A Lot Of Interest In This Home”
- The realtor has called AT&T five times to see if there’s something wrong with his/her voicemail because nobody’s called about it.
6. “No Detail Has Been Overlooked”
- In their efforts to flip this house, the owners redid every possible fixture with the cheapest alternative Home Depot sells.
7. “Featuring Old World Charm”
- When your ancestors immigrated to America from the old country, they happily abandoned the home decor you’ll find in this house.
8. “Great Investment Property”
- Imagine how much more could you sell this house for if it was a completely different house?
- The current owner concluded it was financially advantageous to sell now, but best of luck to you.
9. “Needs A Little TLC”
- Once you remove the asbestos and popcorn ceilings all that’s left to do is completely rebuild it.
10. Oozing With Charm
- There’s nothing charming about anything that oozes. Nothing.
11. ALL CAPS
- USING ALL CAPS IS HOW THE REALTOR SIGNALS TO THE HOME OWNER HE/SHE’S REALLY TRYING HARD TO SELL THIS DUMP SO STOP CALLING TO COMPLAIN ALL THE TIME.
12. “Sweat Equity”
- It would be easier and more lucrative to just get a second job, but why not just buy this and live in a construction site for the next 3-5 years.
13. “Frank Lloyd Wright-Inspired”
- Inspired? Remember that Shakespeare-inspired play you wrote in high school? Has it been performed on Broadway yet?
14. “Dynamic Floor Plan”
- 1) You will not believe how the kitchen and living room are configured. 2) You won’t like it one bit.
- Cheer up. There are probably homes out there more dull than this one.
- The house next door has an identical floor plan and paint color, but if you look closely you’ll see six tiny, insignificant differences.
17. “Priced To Sell / Won’t Last Long”
- Will remain on market for years.
18. “Epitome of Class”
- People will overlook your feathered mullet and acid-wash jeans if you buy this home.
19. “Extra Bedroom Can Be Used As A Home Office”
- Because that sounds better than “walk-in closet” is big enough for a twin bed.
- Owner couldn’t update the fake gold fixtures and faux marble features.
21. “Trophy Property”
- Nothing says “you made it” quite like living in someone else’s discarded mansion filled with personalized touches that aren’t yours.
22. “Priced to Sell”
- Put an offer on it before the bank takes it back.
23. “Bring Your Architect”
- Because an architect is the only person who stands to make any money if you choose to remodel this mess of a home.
24. “Use Your Imagination”
- It’s impossible to imagine why someone would actually live here.
25. “Sprawling Great Room”
- In case of an earthquake, get outside as quickly as possible because the owner has removed a number of load-bearing walls.
26. “Motivated Seller”
- The owner’s ex-spouse is going to get half the sale price so he/she just wants to be rid of it.
- The owner moved to Seattle last month and can’t keep paying two mortgages.
- Prisoners in solitary confinement don’t experience the claustrophobia this home’s buyer will when hosting a small dinner party.
28. “Sun Drenched”
- There’s no sun glare on the television between the hours of 9pm and 6am.
29. “Peekaboo View”
- The previous owner died when he fell off a ladder on the roof he was climbing to catch a glimpse of this rumored view.
30. “Great For Artists Or Musicians”
- Perhaps an artist or musician wouldn’t judge all the evidence that junkies once lived here…
31. “Conveniently Located Near Local Schools”
- When the local high schoolers sneak off campus to smoke, they do it in your front yard.
32. “Gourmet Chef’s Kitchen”
- Look, we put some stainless steel appliances so you can pretend you’re a TV chef even though you only reheat TV dinners.
- If you enjoy living dangerously, there’s an elevated storage space that’s just big enough to stash a mattress.
34. “First Time On The Market!”
- The elderly shut-ins who lived here for decades died and all they left behind were 60 years of newspapers, 14 cats, and their ghosts.
35. “Great For First-Time Home Buyers”
- Purchasing this home is the kind of mistake only an inexperienced home buyer would make.
36. “2nd Bedroom Perfect for Nursery”
- Because a crib is the only bed that will fit in this room.
- Sounds better than “2nd bedroom would make a great closet”
37. “Good Bones”
- “Good bones” Is the equivalent of describing a person as having a “really great personality” when asked if they’re attractive.
- Even the most skilled ER doctor wouldn’t attempt to resuscitate this skeleton
38. “Loads of Potential”
- Once you rip out the shag carpet, remove 14 layers of puce-colored wallpaper, repaint, and peel back the linoleum floors you’ll have yourself something that resembles a home instead of an abandoned senior center.
39. “Location, Location, Location”
- The house is overpriced, but you only have to walk two blocks to buy a box of wine at 7-11.
40. “Eat-In Kitchen”
- Residents have to eat breakfast one at a time due to lack of space.
41. “Updated Bathroom”
- The sink was replaced with a turquoise glass bowl that sits on a small, black table.
- Your pets will love attempting to uncover the mystery of what animal shed and urinated on every square foot of this place.
43. “Completely Renovated”
- Ahh, it’s too bad you couldn’t have seen the stunning mid-century modern this home was before some uncreative chump remodeled it to look like every other house built between 1997-2007.
44. “Would Make A Great Bachelor Pad”
- The last thing in the world you want to see is the current owner’s internet search history.
- There’s a urinal in the bedroom
- The mail slot has been expanded so a pizza box can fit through it.
- Before we pay to remove the stripper pole, we wanted to see if some dude would buy the place as is.
- This house is a great place to view floral patterns nobody’s used in decades.
46. “Serious Curb Appeal”
- Nothing will prepare you for the disappointment you’ll experience when you step inside.
47. “It’s A Blank Canvas”
- Hopefully, your home furnishing have some personality because this house is utterly devoid of it.
48. “Lovingly Maintained”
- Why the sellers didn’t update anything in the past 50 years is beyond understanding.
49. “Handyman Special”
- If you’re a licensed electrician, plumber, contractor, finish carpenter, asbestos-removal specialist, and have eight years and unlimited savings, you’ll still lose money trying to fix this place up.
50. “Make An Offer”
- If you tour this house, the seller’s agent will latch onto your leg like a bear trap until you make an offer.
51. “Mint Condition”
- Mint Condition is an American R&B band best known for their 1991 song “Breakin’ My Heart (Pretty Brown Eyes)” and they are not included in price of the house. However, Mint Condition will perform at your housewarming party for a nominal fee.
52. “Must See!”
- You’ve already seen dozens of other homes for sale that are just like it.
53. “Lower-Level Family Room”
- The owners’ four teenage sons were banished to the basement, a space they converted into a wrestling ring that will perpetually smell of Axe Body Spray and microwaved Totino’s Pizza Rolls.
54. “Security System”
- Current owners are leaving because the house is routinely burglarized.
55. “Starter Home”
- You’ll want to move out within two months of moving in.
56. “Basement Apartment Comes With Tenant”
- There’s a delinquent squatter living in the basement studio who rarely pays rent and routinely practices his guitar after 10pm when he’s been drinking.
57. “Lots Of Built-Ins”
- House comes with furniture you can only remove at considerable expense, like the built-in toilet in the sauna below.
59. “Walk-In Closet”
- You’ll have to wade through all your clothes to reach the hot water tank behind them.
60. “Lots Of Extras”
- Lots of odd features you’ll struggle to remove.
61. “Easy-To-Maintain Yard”
- No need to mow the large, cracked concrete slab that is the backyard.
62. “Country Living At Its Best”
- You will never know the joy of having a pizza delivered because this home is outside the delivery zone.
- You can smell the neighbor’s hog farm 365 days per year.
63. “Great Investment Opportunity”
- It’s going to take a lot of dollars to ring a few pennies out of this one.
64. “At The Center Of Everything”
- Located across the street from a strip club, upstairs from a noisy bar, and next to a drug dealer’s home.
65. “Lots Of Character”
- Couldn’t be tackier
- Apparently, some people like a different shade of paint in every single room.
66. “New Price!”
- The sellers originally thought nobody would see the cracks in the foundation and they were wrong.
67. “Hunting Opportunities Out Your Backdoor”
- Raccoons and bears will wander into your kitchen if you leave the backdoor open.