Where To Move If Your Presidential Candidate Loses

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We’ve all heard somebody say, “If Obama / Romney doesn’t win this election then I’m going to move to ______.” Well, election day is finally here so guess it’s time to start packing. Whether you’re planning to escape from America entirely, join your socialist comrades on a hippie commune, or retreat with your Tea Party pals to a heavily fortified compound, Estately is here to help you find your happy place.

Democrats—Move to Canada

While the beaches are better in Mexico, moving to Canada promises that universal healthcare republicans hate, the higher taxes you crave, and it’s the traditional destination of Americans running away from homeland. Plus, not only is the Canadian real estate market heating up, but so is—plug your ears Mitt Romney—the planet thanks to global warming! It won’t be long until this winter wonderland becomes a sun-filled spot to eat pancakes slathered in government-subsidized maple syrup.

Republicans—Move to Romney, West Virginia

For those supporters who hoped to accompany Romney to the White House, an election loss would be an unmitigated disaster. Still, they could follow the former Massachusetts governor to La Jolla, California and buy a home up the street, or they could save some cash and still honor their candidate by moving to a town that shares his name—Romney, West Virginia. Don’t move to Romney, Texas because it’s apparently been renamed Obama.

If you’re one of the billionaires who sank millions into financing Romney’s campaign, consider taking up residence with Romney’s vast fortune in the Cayman Islands. Nothing dries tears brought on by a failed investment quite like that Caribbean sunshine.

Liberals—Move to a Hippie Commune

If the past few years of partisan bickering and congressional gridlock have taught liberals anything it’s that nothing gets done if people don’t share the same values. If America doesn’t want any part of your utopian vision then gather up your fellow travelers in your Prius and take to the hills to create your own hippie commune. Much like liberal do-gooders did decades ago, it’s time to get off the grid, buy some land, and start organic farming. Someday, that land will be valuable real estate and you can sell out and run for congress as the second coming of Sonny Bono.

Conservatives—Move to a Secure Compound
If Obama wins then rumor has it this country is going to be swarming with United Nation’s troops intent on revoking Americans’ right to bear arms. Time to take to the woods with the other real Americans and prepare for armageddon. It’s just going to be modern patriots like you, Chuck Norris, and Chuck Woolery. Before the communists force you to endure a thousand years of darkness, they’re going to have to pry your two friends Smith and Wesson from your cold, dead hands. Get fired up!

Blue or Red Staters Move to a Swing State
If you’re a California conservative or a Louisiana liberal then you probably envy the  electoral power of voters in swing states like Florida, Virginia, and (sometimes) North Carolina. You’ve got less than four years to move to a purple state and get registered. Perhaps you can move to Ohio and get one of those auto worker jobs everybody’s talking about.

Cynical Voters Move to a Place Where Political Campaigns Can’t Reach You
Where do you go if you’re one of the millions of Americans exhausted from  endless campaigning ads and phone calls from pollsters? This land is your land and there are plenty of homes in America that feature underground bunkers or soundproof bomb shelters where you can hide away from the partisan bickering that passes for political debate these days.
Consider Maybe Not Moving at All

Another option is to skip all of the above and be grateful you have a home at all, and that you live in a country that takes part in the ridiculous political spectacle that is a working democracy. So hold your nose if you have to, but get out there and vote.

Ryan Nickum