Typically, Estately’s articles detail reasons you should move to a particular state, but in the wake of recent events in Indiana we’re making an exception. Instead we’ve provided a list of 20 reasons you should never move to Indiana. And if you already live there then consider it 20 reasons to move away. There are lots of nice places to live in America, so why subject yourself to the misery that is Indiana?
1. Discrimination against gays and lesbians
Even though it’s the 21st century Indiana Gov. Mike Pence just signed a bill into law intended to allow business owners the right to deny services to gays and lesbians for religious reasons. In addition to just being a mean spirited and cruel law, the bill also has caused an intense backlash around the country. Major businesses have promised to boycott the state, as have thousands of individuals.
2. Women make way less money than men in Indiana
Women in Indiana earn just 74% of what the state’s men earn, which is the seventh worst pay gap in the country. However, while Indiana men do have more salary, they have far less of one other important thing…
3. Small penises abound in Indiana
The online condom site Condomania recently released its data on the percentage of customers in each state that order larger and smaller sized condoms. Based on its findings it determined that Indiana men had the 9th smallest penises in the country.
4. No booze on Sundays. Seriously.
The sale of alcohol is illegal on Sundays in Indiana because Indiana thinks it’s fun to relive the joys of prohibition once a week.
5. Indiana is for couch potatoes
Indianans are a sedentary people, with a majority of the population that loathes to get off the couch. Only 47.5% of the state exercises frequently, which is fourth lowest in the country. Only West Virginia, Alabama, and Arkansas exercise less. So that’s healthy company.
6. It has the most apathetic voters
In the 2014 election Indiana residents had the lowest voter turnout in the country—just 28 percent. This attitude could be why Indiana has such embarrassing elected officials.
7. Indiana is trapped in the 1980s
You know that person who longs for the 1980s because it’s the last time their acid wash jeans were in style? Indiana is the embodiment of that. The state came in third in this ranking of states most nostalgic for the 1980s. The state was particularly nostalgic for Van Halen, Pee-wee Herman, the DeLorean DMC-12, and the movies The Breakfast Club and Dirty Dancing.
8. It has so many tornadoes
Indiana has the third most tornadoes per 10,000 square miles of any state in the country. In most states the worst thing to fall out of the sky onto you is bird poop. In Indiana it could be a giant twister descending from above to transport your lawn furniture into another county.
9. Indiana is the methiest
In 2013 alone there were 1,797 meth lab seizures in Indiana—the most in the country. There was even a recent case of a meth lab being discovered in a Wal-Mart bathroom in Indiana. That is just soooo Indiana.
10. Strange internet search histories
In an Estately study of internet searches around the country we found Indianans search for these terms online more than any other state: Avon, creationism, communism, diabetes, “I have a rash,” pacifism, and Jared Fogle (Subway spokesman). Indiana is a conflicted state.
11. Indianapolis has a large douchebag population
Out of the 100 largest U.S. cities Indianapolis ranked 23rd for having the most douchebags. Part of what pushed Indianapolis up the rankings is it’s home to the 12th highest concentration of Nickelback fans.
12. So many cat people
Cats are fine animals, but sometimes their owners can be a little crazy, and there are no shortage of cat-crazed people in Indiana. The state has the ninth most cat owners per capita in the country. That’s a lot of people and cats wearing matching sweaters in their holiday cards.
13. High rate of lung cancer
Indiana has sixth highest occurrence of lung cancer in the country. Maybe it’s because smoking is so popular in Indiana.
14. It’s getting crowded for hunters
Indiana has little public land, and only 2.2% of the state is open to the public to hunt. Given the large number of hunters in Indiana there are actually ten hunters per acre of public hunting land. That’s bad news for hunters and even worse news for deer.
15. Indiana is harmful to marriages
Indiana can be rough on a marriage. A whopping 12.5% of residents are divorced, which is the 12th highest rate in the country.
16. Nobody wants to stop in Indiana
Indiana calls itself the “Crossroads of America” because it has more Interstate Highway miles per square mile than any state. What this stat really means is the rest of the country wants to drive through Indiana as quickly as possible.
17. Indiana doesn’t eat its vegetables
Even though the 63.5% of the state farmland Indiana locals don’t eat many fruits and vegetables. Only 53% of residents eat produce frequently, which is dead last in the country.
18. There is no Pawnee, Indiana
The town of Pawnee in Parks & Rec is a fictional place set in Indiana. It’s fictional. Ron Swanson doesn’t live there. Neither do Leslie Knope or Donna Meagle or Jerry Gergich. They all live in California.
19. It has the worst water pollution in America
Have you heard the expression “flush twice it’s a long way to Indiana”? The state ranks #1 for having the worst water pollution in the country, particularly from industrial pollutants.
20. Crummy overall well-being
Gallup and Healthways released their annual Well-Being Index and Indiana came in as the third worst in the country. The poll measured whether people felt safe, liked where they lived, had strong relationships and purpose, and physical and financial well-being. Did Indiana have those? Not so much.
So there you have at. There are 20 reasons why Indiana is unfit to live in. We look forward to the day in the future when the elected leaders of Indiana repeal their cruel law allowing businesses to discriminate against gays and lesbians. When they do, Estately will happily create an article about all the reasons Indiana is a great place to live.