1. Doug Baldwin Will Not Be Your Boyfriend
There are 326,202 men in Seattle, but only one of them is Seattle Seahawks wide receiver Doug Baldwin—the city’s most handsome man (and a Stanford grad). Your odds of dating him are very low. There’s probably a waiting list. If you’re not interested in dating Doug Baldwin there’s a very real chance your significant other is, and will probably talk about how dreamy he is all the time.
Once upon a time in Seattle a man was hanging out it in his wife’s closet trying on her clothes and thought, “Hey, these skirts are really comfortable, but I sure would like it if they came in a heavy, rough fabric that chafes my skin and costs a fortune” And with that, the Utilikilt was born. Seattle is home to the company’s headquarters and flagship store, and thanks to a strong Renaissance fair contingent that wears them (they’re ideal for Cosplay), these expensive items are seen all over the city. There are currently no laws banning these bro-skirts, so before you try climbing a ladder in Seattle, make sure there isn’t a man above you wearing one.
3. The Cold Beer War We Lost
Back when America was still #1 (last week) the preferred beer ’round here was Rainier Beer. Then along came some wealthy Russian beer magnate who stole it (bought it) away from us along with other iconic American beers like Pabst, Colt 45, Lone Star, and Schlitz. So now what will Seattle residents do for a cheap buzz, assuming locals ignore the dozens of locally-produced and award-winning microbrews?
4. The Growing Marijuana Menace
Seattle was once a nice, wholesome community with a bright future. Then it, along with the rest of Washington state, legalized marijuana. Now the city is hooked on the most horrible and dangerous of drugs—Mary Jane, a.k.a. scary Mary, whacky weed, happy grass, the tokey, silly smoke, and harbinger of delivery pizza. How long until complete reefer madness consumes the city? How long can you resist the temptation of this unscrupulous drug? Not long. In fact, you’re probably already high if you’re even considering moving to this marijuana metropolis.
5. The Seattle Freeze (Not an Ice Cream Shop)
“The Seattle Freeze” sounds like some local ice cream shop that serves inventive flavors featuring locally-sourced ingredients. It is not. It is actually the name for the callous indifference newcomers claim to face upon arriving. If your emotional wellbeing is dependent upon your new neighbors knocking on your door with fresh-baked pies and immediately inviting you to join their social circle then this might not be the city for you. Emotionally isolating you is just Seattle’s way to hazing newcomers.
6. Nature Will Break Your Spirit
Seattle’s proximity to the great outdoors means locals are only minutes from hiking, rock climbing, camping, skiing, kite surfing, mountaineering, birdwatching, fly fishing, general frolicking, and all manner of outdoor activities. While the majority of residents participate in some or all of these activities, in truth only a fraction of Seattle’s residents actually enjoy recreating amongst bears and mosquitoes. If you move here, it won’t be long until you’re shivering in the dark in a rain-soaked tent, tending to your marmot bites while bears tear your backpack apart in search of your trail mix. All of this misery simply because you moved to Seattle and befriended some enthusiastic outdoorsy types. You’ve been warned.
7. Your Style Will Suffer
Seattle does not have a reputation as a well dressed town. Partly it’s because constant rain limits wardrobe options, and mostly it’s because local residents put their fashion energies into dressing up their dogs, like these two handsome pups. They are good boys. Yes they are. Such good boys.
8. You Will Overdose on Kale
Kale grows year round in the Pacific Northwest, even during the cold and dreary months of October-June. If Seattle’s farmers markets were open year round, the winter would feature nothing but kale. You will eat it braised, in salads, in your smoothies, you will listen to people talk about it at parties, you will meet people named “Kale,” you will smell it in the air, you will painfully listen to people speak of it being a super food, and you will it eat it baked as a substitute for potato chips. There is no substitute for potato chips.
9. You Will Drain Your Bank Account Buying Coffee
To start, you’ll buy expensive espresso drinks because the caffeine compensates for a lack of sunlight. Eventually, you will make repeat daily visits to the same coffee shop because you’ve fallen in love with your barista. This love will definitely be one-sided, but the brief human interaction and jolt of caffeine these visits provide is enough to keep you awake through yet another workday.
10. You Will Spend Your Last Penny on Rent
The median rental price in Seattle went up 11% in 2013, and finally cracked the top ten nationwide—$1,172. That’s about $40 per day. If you dreamed you’d be going to see live shows and dining out on crab and salmon you’re wrong. You’ll be eating Top Ramen in your basement apartment like you’re still in college. Be sure to check between the couch cushions after guests visit. You might just find enough to go to the laundromat.
11. You Can’t Even Buy Used Clothes Now
Seattle once had abundant affordable clothing, but everything changed when local rapper Macklemore’s released his hit song “Thrift Shop.” Since then, there’s been a considerable increase in the prices of used socks, zebra jammies, velour jumpsuits, and dookie brown leather jackets.
12. You’ll Be Eaten By Hungry Killer Whales
Killer whales inhabit Seattle’s Puget Sound, and while there’s no record of these majestic creatures ever attacking a human, you could definitely imagine it if you really let your mind wander. Do you really want to take the chance of being the first stand-up paddleboarder chewed to bits by a pod of hungry orcas?
13. You Will Sell Your Soul to Amazon
Try as you might, none can escape the gravitational pull of working at Amazon. There are currently 4,860 job openings at Amazon located in Seattle alone. The interviews are time consuming, the hours are long, and it’s rumored you don’t even get a free Amazon Prime account if you’re employed there. Regardless, you will end up working there, and in your free time you will find yourself at parties and gatherings surrounded by other Amazon employees.
14. The Traffic Is Terrible
The problem with shoehorning a city into a narrow strip of land between two unmovable bodies of water is it creates horrible choke points that can’t be fixed. In addition, Seattle is accessed by a self-sabotaging ferry fleet, floating bridges that fail in storms, and a tunnel project that’s currently stalled and probably doomed from the start. To make matters worse, the city is cutting bus service while the population is growing. To summarize, the whole mess is a complete pile of $#!@ %&$^#*& #@^% &^#%^# %$#&:( and it probably won’t be getting any better in the near future.
15. Earthquake Threat Level—HIGH!
While California hogs the earthquake headlines, Washington state is still a hot bed of seismic activity. The Seattle area is prime earthquake country, with a number of fault lines running under or near the city. The most recent earthquake was the 6.8 magnitude Nisqually earthquake in 2001. The epicenter was 40 miles south of Seattle, but the city still saw considerable property damage.
16. Volcano Threat Level—HIGH!
Just because the ground is rumbling beneath you doesn’t mean it’s necessarily an earthquake. It might just be one of the many nearby volcanoes erupting. When they go boom, the hot lava melts the glaciers and the resulting water turns into giant mudflows barreling down river valleys. Makes a real mess of things.
17. “Farewell, Sun” Is Not A Soundgarden Song—It’s Reality
It’s true that Seattle’s annual rainfall of 36.5 inches is considerably less than many cities without reputations for constant rain, such as Boston (43.8 inches) and New York City (44.7 inches). However, what Seattle lacks in rain accumulation is makes up for with near constantly grey skies. Sometimes months can go by without residents catching a glimpse of the sun. And, due to the city’s northern latitude, if your work is nowhere near a window you could arrive at and depart from work in total darkness during the winter. And that’s when the Seasonal Affective Disorder kicks in.
18. Sore Winners
Seattle once endured one of the most miserable stretches of losing in all of sports. The city’s lone championship came in 1979 when the Seattle Supersonics won the NBA title, and that team was later stolen away by Oklahoma City. Seriously, they left for Oklahoma City. Hope drained from the city until the city’s WNBA team won a pair of championships in 2004 and 2010. Following that, the Seattle Seahawks won the Super Bowl in 2014 and the whole city came unglued. Insecurity turned into a swagger on par with the Legion of Boom. Basically, if you move here you should know your favorite teams are stupid. Your soccer team is stupid. Your football team is stupid. Your baseball team is stupid, especially if you’re one of those obnoxious Red Sox fans who isn’t from Boston, but jumped on the bandwagon when they won their first World Series.
19. It’s Getting Really Crowded
Between July 1, 2012 and July 1, 2013, Seattle grew 2.8%, which was faster than any other major city. What does that mean? Well, in college party terms it means Seattle has reached a critical mass where the party has peaked and will soon be broken up by the police.
20. Jaywalking Is Totally Taboo
The shortest path between two points is a straight line, unless you’re a pedestrian in Seattle. When the neon red hand commands pedestrians to halt the Seattle sheep blindly obey. Part of this is because Seattle is full of polite, law-abiding goody goodies and part of it is because police roam the streets doling out $56 tickets to jaywalkers like this is Singapore or something.
21. Too Many Fried Green Tomatoes
Fried green tomatoes are best known as a southern food tradition, but they’re also a common homemade dish in Seattle, primarily because the climate doesn’t allow tomatoes to ripen. Instead they hang on the vine in a permanent state of green until they rot. To prevent this, there’s only on option—fried green tomatoes. You will burn out on this dish.
22. The Space Swindle
Seattle is a popular place, which means lots of friends and family will probably visit you there. When they do, they’ll insist on visiting the top of the Space Needle. This will cost you $21 each time you visit—that’s $21 to ride an elevator to a height that’s shorter than most office buildings.
23. Buying a House in a Seattle
Are you crazy enough to want to make Seattle home? If we can’t talk you out of it then we recommend you use Estately.com or the Estately iPhone App for your Seattle home search. You’ll find thousands of homes for sale and since Estately updates every 15 minutes with any new homes for sale you’ll have a head start on the competition. Download it for free today!
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