Some think Wisconsin is a mythical place, an imagined wonderland of beer and cheese that Minnesota parents invented to get their kids to move away from home. Not so, Wisconsin is real and it is fantastic and it makes no sense that everyone hasn’t already moved there. To prove it, here are 29 reasons you should live in Wisconsin…
TOILET PAPER IS AMPLE
The only thing worse than running out of toilet paper is unnecessary hyperbole. Luckily, Green Bay, Wisconsin is the Toilet Paper Capital of the World. So go ahead and wipe like you’re some kind of Charmin Bear because the T.P. is abundant.
Wisconsin could just as easily be called The Beer State. This land of malted hops and barley welcomed German immigrants and their brewing traditions with open arms. A staggering 3.9% of the state’s GDP comes from beer, with over 60,000 people employed in the beer industry. One brewery in Milwaukee alone produces 10 million barrels of beer annually—that’s 10 million barrels of fun! Milwaukee even named their baseball team the Brewers.
You can find other Drink Wisconsinbly products at DrinkWisconsinbly.com
GREEN BAY PACKERS
What team has an NFL record 13 championships, 22 Hall of Famers, and is owned by the fans themselves instead of some local billionaire? The NFL’s greatest franchise—the Green Bay Packers. Being a winner feels good, too.
THE WOMEN OF WISCONSIN
- Can outdrink men from any other state (except Alaska and North Dakota)
- Make denim on denim look good (sorry Canada)
- Wear skirts and heels when it’s 20 below and never complain about the cold
- Are finally over their Brett Favre crushes, except Donna in Oshkosh
- Open their own pickle jars
- Would rather clean a walleye than the kitchen
- Sometimes wear brassieres made of cheese, which is the inspiration behind the Dairy Queen Brazier
- Can throw a snowball 20 yards further than women in Minnesota
- Keep a photo of Donald Driver in their wallets
- Currently have a nice casserole baking in the oven
PHOTO SOURCE: PACKER TIME
THE MEN OF WISCONSIN
- Always oil your chainsaw before returning it
- Wear ponytails way better than guys in Illinois (see Clay Matthews)
- Propose to you while deer hunting
- Are happy to take your mom out for drinks on her birthday
- Buy a round of drinks when they win cash at pull tabs
- Put the toilet seat down because it’s not like they’re from Iowa
- Never, NEVER play the Goo Goo Dolls on a jukebox
- Only sit alone in their truck and cry when the dog dies
- Regret not making friends with Russell Wilson in college
- Never lie about their marathon time, even if they’re running for office
ALWAYS GOT MILK
Wisconsin earned the title of “Dairy Capital of the World” because it produces more milk than any other state, except for California, which isn’t fair because California is really big. Still, 2nd place isn’t bad, and wholesome Wisconsin doesn’t corrupt it’s milk with exposure to twerking and molly and marijuana cigarettes.
SO MUCH CHEESE
People say “Where there’s smoke there’s fire,” but nobody ever says “Where there’s milk there’s cheese.” That’s way better, and it’s totally true for Wisconsin, which produces 25% of the nation’s cheese and wears 99% of all cheese hats.
FRIED CHEESE CURDS
For those who like their cheese squeaky and deep fried, Wisconsin is fried cheese curd paradise. These tasty little cheese nuggets are battered and fried, then served up with a cold beer. Wisconsin is like the county fair, except its an entire state and the fair food lasts all year long.
A LAND OF SECOND CHANCES
Russell Wilson was an undersized quarterback who transferred from NC State University to Wisconsin for his final year of eligibility. While there, he took the Badgers to the Rose Bowl and now he’s the star quarterback for the resurgent Seattle Seahawks. There are magical powers at work in the Wisconsin, especially when it comes to underrated quarterbacks that other teams didn’t want (see Aaron Rodgers and Brett Favre).
Photo Source: College Sports Madness
FATHERS OF ANARCHY
Wisconsin (Milwaukee) is the home of Harley Davidson Motorcycles so maybe you could work for them? Maybe you could invent a remote control that silences a neighbor revving their Harley’s engine for a solid 10 minutes at 5:30 in the morning? You might even win a Nobel Prize for that. Check out Harley Davidson’s job page HERE.
THE WATERPARK CAPITAL OF THE WORLD
Wisconsin Dells pioneered the indoor water park, and then these aqua innovators went on to create 20+ waterparks, the largest concentration of outdoor and indoor water parks of any place on the planet. You can recreate there.
LOCALLY PRODUCED PEOPLE
These famous folks are all from Wisconsin…
- Harry Houdini, famous magician and escape artist
- Actress Heather Graham
- Frank Lloyd Wright, the country’s most famous architect
- Comedic actor Chris Farley
- Mr. Baseball (announcer Bob Uecker)
- Comedian Frank Caliendo
- Musical performer Liberace
- Musician Steve Miller
- John Matuszak (Sloth from The Goonies)
MEET YOUR OWN PAUL BUNYAN
Wisconsin’s timber industry isn’t the powerhouse it used to be, but people still find work in the woods, and the state is even home to the Lumberjack World Championships and Fred Scheer’s Lumberjack Shows. If you’ve dreamed of becoming a champion logroller or take first place in the standing chop competition, Wisconsin is prime training ground. It’s also a good place to date loggers, millworkers, and people who sweep up sawdust.
MISSISSIPPI RIVER ADVENTURE
The Mississippi River forms part of Wisconsin’s border with Minnesota. It also provides a nice jumping off point for a 1,200-mile aft trip if you want to go all Huckleberry Finn and travel to New Orleans just like ye olde French fur trappers may have once done.
The unemployment rate for Wisconsin is 6.7%, which is better than the national average of 7.3%, and far better than its neighbors Michigan (9.0%) and Illinois (9.2%). Try and ignore neighboring Iowa (4.9%) and Minnesota (5.1%) and just be happy Wisconsin still has manufacturing jobs.
COW CHIP THROWING CONTEST
Most people avoid the excrement of cows. Some gather it up for fertilizer. And the brave people of Prairie du Sac use it in their State Cow Chip Throwing Contest each Labor Day. That’s the kind of can-do spirit that built America.
This is not a performance of Disney’s recently canceled show “Outhouses On Ice.” In fact, these are ice fishing shanties, which is where people pretend to fish through holes in the ice as part of a socially acceptable way to get drunk in nature. You would be encouraged to participate.
AMERICA’S BEST MUSTACHES
Mustaches are back en vogue right now, but in Wisconsin they never went out of style. Upper lip bristles are worn by all segments of Wisconsin society, including some the state’s most iconic people. To check the authenticity of a mustache be sure to examine it up close. If there are tiny flecks of cheese curd, beer foam, and/or powdered donut then the mustache is genuine and must be treated with respect.
Photo Source: Total Packers
Wisconsin elected the first openly lesbian member of congress, but it has yet to approve same-sex marriage, which is reason enough to move there and to make that happen. The state does allow domestic partnerships, and it also features these two dudes on the state flag. Once same-sex marriage is legal in Wisconsin the flag will be changed to show the two pioneers high fiving.
It’s nice to think that reason so few people in Wisconsin have set any world records is because they’re humble and don’t like to attract much attention. The state is largely free of showboats, discounting this proud Guinness Book of World Records holder, a man who’s has eaten a McDonald’s Big Mac every single day for 37 years.
THEY’RE INTO POLITICS
Wisconsin ranks number three in overall voter turnout with 61% over the past six elections. The state takes its politics seriously, even if they elect a confusing blend of contradictory political figures. This electoral bi-polar disorder causes the state to elect Democrat Barack Obama as President and conservative Republican Scott Walker as governor. The state has sent both socialists (Rep. Victor Berger) and rabid anti-communists (Sen. Joe McCarthy) to Congress. No matter what your politics, you’ll find someone who agrees with you in Wisconsin.
If you live in southern California you rarely have the excuse to enjoy a cup of cocoa or a hot toddy, much less a hot buttered rum or a little bourbon in your coffee. In Wisconsin, you can justifiably drink those for months. It might even be necessary.
HOW WISCONSIN ROLLS
Look, Wisconsin isn’t the bowling paradise of North Dakota, but it does have 212 bowling alleys and bowling-positive culture that values a person who can pick up the spare with a 7-10 split.
PREDATOR-FREE AQUATIC RECREATION
Wisconsin residents spend a lot of time on the water. Whether fishing, paddling, or boating, locals take advantage of the 15,074 lakes and 13,500 miles of navigable streams and rivers. The best part is there isn’t one shark, crocodile, or alligator to take a bite out of you.
Source: Thomas Peschak
In some states, people complain the winter weather keeps them from exercising, but in Wisconsin winter provides you an excellent workout in the form of all the snow you’ll be shoveling.
Photo Source: Art Of Manliness
THIRD-SHIFT HAPPY HOUR
Happy hours are great for those who enjoy discount drinks and food, but what if you work nights? Many a Wisconsin bar offers “third-shift” happy hours for nurses, firefighters and assembly-line workers, so they can still get cheap beer at 8:30am.
Wisconsin is an ideal state for hunters currently living in states crowded with more hunters than deer. The “2nd Best State for Whitetails for 2013,” Wisconsin has 5 million acres of public hunting land and has ranked first over the last decade in B&C trophy production.
You won’t have to wait until the 8th day of Christmas to meet any “maids a milking” because there are thousands of dairy workers caring for the state’s 1.4 million dairy cows. More than 40% of employees on these dairy farms are immigrants, and dairy farms say they’re having trouble filling positions. Would you like to show that high school guidance counselor how wrong he/she is and become a milk maid yourself?
WISCONSIN HOMES FOR SALE
Are you ready to move to Wisconsin? The median home price in Wisconsin is $94,000, which is considerably cheaper than in many other parts of the country. View some Wisconsin homes for sale on Estately, a fabulous real estate search site…
DID WE FORGET ANYTHING FROM THE LIST? LET US KNOW IN THE COMMENTS
– – – – –
OTHER ARTICLES BY ESTATELY
The Dude Resides: The 11 Most Lebowski-Friendly Cities (Ann Arbor makes the cut, obviously)